In the chaos of toddler life it’s easy to fall into habits that seem harmless.. offering a cookie for cooperation or handing over a new toy for being a good listener. Maybe it’s something you grew up with, or something loving relatives do to show affection. But over time I’ve realized how important it is to be intentional with the messages we send our kids. Especially when it comes to food and rewards.
This isn’t about perfection or blaming anyone. It’s about raising kids who feel secure, confident, and internally motivated. Not just behaving for the promise of something new.
Why We Don’t Use Food as a Bribe or Reward
While a bite of something sweet might buy five more minutes of their patience, using food to shape behavior comes with long-term risks:
1. It builds unhealthy relationships with food.
Kids start to believe vegetables are the “bad” food to suffer through, and sweets are the reward — making the “reward” food feel more valuable.
2. It confuses hunger with emotions.
When children eat for praise or approval, they lose touch with their natural hunger and fullness cues — a key foundation for lifelong health.
3. It may fuel emotional eating later.
Children who turn to food for comfort, validation, or celebration often carry those habits into adulthood.
Why We Also Don’t Use Toys as Rewards
Toys might seem more harmless. After all, what kid doesn’t light up at a new surprise? But frequent toy rewards can be just as harmful:
1. It encourages external motivation.
Kids begin doing things for the gift, not because they understand the value of kindness, helping, or listening.
2. It increases entitlement.
When rewards are constant, especially material ones, children will likely begin to expect something every time they behave appropriately — making basic cooperation without a reward feel like a losing battle.
3. It feeds into clutter and the overwhelm.
Too many toys can actually lead to boredom, sensory overload, and overstimulation. Studies show that children engage in deeper, more focused play when they have fewer toys available. My kids could go almost all day playing with just their kitchen set.
4. The science agrees:
A University of Toledo study found that toddlers who had access to fewer toys played longer and with more creativity. Over-rewarding with things can stifle imagination and problem-solving.
What We Do Instead
We praise effort, not outcome.
A genuine, “You worked so hard on that!” goes much further than a plastic prize. And never underestimate a simple, “You did it!” Try it and watch their little faces light up. Even my 1 year old understands and feels proud when we praise him.
We offer meaningful connection.
Extra snuggles, eye contact, and playful attention are the best rewards. And they cost nothing!
We use non-material motivation.
Things like getting to choose the next activity, having a special one-on-one “date,” or extra story time create connection without clutter.
We help our kids find natural motivation, the kind that comes from feeling proud of what they did.
Helping a friend, cleaning up, or staying calm in a hard moment should feel good on its own, and our responses can reinforce that!
Shifting the Focus
Of course we still celebrate. We still enjoy sweet treats. We still say “yes” to fun new toys on birthdays and special holidays. But we try to keep those things intentional, rooted in joy, not behavior control.
Parenting is hard enough without constantly negotiating with food or toys. And while the world around us may keep handing out rewards, we’re quietly teaching something bigger:
That our kids are enough just as they are. No bribes required.
Want help with your own toddler routines, gentle discipline, or reducing toy clutter? Stick around, we talk about all of that here.
